I was out with one of my best friends a couple weekends ago, post-brunch. We were both sitting at the bar, cracking-up with each other, and chatting with a girl next to us. At one point during the conversation she mentioned that she initially thought my friend and I were gay until she started talking to us.

This wasn’t the first time either of us had received a comment like that. We’re both good-looking guys and DC has the highest gay population in the entire universe.

Nonetheless, we asked her why she initially thought that and her response was, “I dunno…you’re both dressed nice.”

Are you fucking serious?!

[For the record, I was wearing well-fitted shorts, a V-neck shirt, and decent shoes. Overall it looked casual and fine, and showed that I put some bit of effort. But it was certainly nothing to write home about.]

And that brings me to my point-

Since when did it become acceptable for people to dress like shit? Actually, let me narrow this down for you even more-

White People.

Until I was about 26 or so, how I dressed wasn’t a priority for me. I was White Millennial trash. I wore sweatpants and basketball shorts more than I should, old t-shirts, and clothes that simply didn’t fit my body well. Sure, I had less money. But even now, I don’t spend that much on apparel and I manage to look presentable most times.

It saddens me when I walk around the city and pass by the lazy, Basic White couples. You know exactly who I’m talking about-

The girl is wearing shitty leggings or athleisure, with an old tank top. She looks like she just crawled out of bed, hasn’t washed her hair in a week, and decided she didn’t want anyone near her vagina that day.

The guy is wearing worn-out, brown sandals which show off his disgusting feet. He’s also pairing those with some ratty basketball shorts or wrinkled khakis, the-belt-that’s-doing-nothing, and a Surfer Bob’s t-shirt.

Just awful.

Not to mention, those two people are going out to SOCIALIZE! Jesus. Are you kidding?

If you’re that complacent with how you look, I can only imagine how complacent you are in your relationship.

Look, when you’re in the confines of your own home then feel liberated to wear whatever you want. I understand that. I do that. You’re likely lounging on your couch, watching Netlfix and slugging around, so it only makes sense to fit the part. Likewise, if you’re simply walking your dog or running to the corner store to grab something, then it doesn’t matter if you look like garbage. Embrace that moment while you’re repurchasing the plastic wine-opener you lost, and your dog is tracking dirt, grass, and feces back into your bed. He’s a good boy.

But if you’re going out to socialize, meeting up with friends, grabbing brunch, having a couple drinks, or simply being out with your significant other…put some effort into your appearance. White Guys, do you really feel great while you’re sitting at that picnic table that’s covered in bird shit, wearing cargo shorts, and drinking your 20 oz. mug of craft-beer-that-makes-you-bloated?

No. You don’t.

You want to tell yourself you’re comfortable, and you’re likely surrounded by plenty of others wearing a lack of shoes which provides you with a sense of community acceptance. However, deep down you’re wondering why Sasha with the caramel skin, soft pouty lips, hourglass figure, and 5-inch heels is chatting with me instead.

Another sad reality is that White People just don’t know style. Seriously, we look like clowns sometimes. I get it, many of us have Basic White tendencies ingrained in our DNA. But for fuck’s sake White Guys, stop wearing those ill-fitted oxford shirts that are 2 sizes too big, and consider putting just a hint of product in your hair.

Isn’t it hilarious (or pathetic) when you see a group of Chads and Brads together and they all look like identical man-boys? Like a herd of sheep that escaped from Gap. Who do you think you’re actually going to appeal to looking like that? Ah, right. Susie and Becky. But wait, didn’t you want Sasha?

Susie and Becky are right over there. In their black, puffy North Face jackets, a pair of boring Tory Burch flats, and some blouse from Ann Taylor that I think my 1st grade teacher wore. It’s almost as though Belk started a militia, and this is their uniform.

Enjoy that future dynamic, when the two of you move-in together at an inexplicably early point in your relationship, adopt a Labradoodle, get lazier by the day, and occasionally go to farmers markets, potluck dinners, and wineries until Chad (or Brad) decides he wants to cheat with Sasha.

This probably explains why I virtually never hit on White Women.

It’s also appalling what some White People wear to work, a setting in which you are supposed to sell yourself professionally!

Here’s a hint: Dress for the job or position you want.

One of our greatest issues, especially in DC, is wearing the raggedy tennis shoes on the way to work…sometimes even at work (hello, Government and Non-Profit employees).

Sure ladies, those gym shoes with the scrunched-up white socks complement your dress very nicely. I’m sure it really sets the right impression with your Director, Executive, or Partner who sees you all the time upon your arrival.

And don’t even get me started on the “soupy suits” (thank you Paul for that term). You know, the guy wearing the beat-up New Balances with his suit that’s far too baggy, puddling around his ankles, and likely still has pleats in the pants.

Did you know they sell respectable-looking and comfortable shoes, that aren’t meant for tennis or the track, for less than $50 that you can wear on your commute? They exist. Trust me. It also prevents me from having to smell your crusty, grass-stained Asics from 5 ft. away.

A likely rebuttal for everything I’m saying would be, “Well I like being comfortable and I feel good in it.”

I’m here to tell you this is a fallacy.

You’re just used to it.

You want to know when you feel good?

You feel good when you get the attention of that guy or girl walking past you that you find alluring. That gets you an enjoyable rendezvous you never expected.

You feel good when you show your significant other that you care about your appearance, thereby generating more physical attraction between each other. That translates to the bedroom.

You feel good when you’re the sharpest-looking person at work and you just crushed a client meeting in front of your colleagues. That gets you noticed by the higher-ups, and earns you a promotion.

In the words of Deion Sanders, “You look good, you feel good. You feel good, you play good. You play good, you get paid good.”

In no way do you feel more confident and better about yourself in your laissez-faire outfit as opposed to your stylish one. Or even just the ensemble you wear that shows you pseudo care.

As a fellow White Person, I am fortunately here to save you. Here’s my call to action for all of us moving forward:

(1) White Men, stop wearing sandals when you’re out socializing. Forever. Just stop it.

(2) White Women, stop wearing sandals when you’re out socializing unless you have a pedicure or your feet look presentable. And drop the shitty Rainbow sandals look from college. If not, follow the advice of #1.

(3) White People, dress for the job or position you want.

(4) White People, stop wearing tennis/running shoes to work. See #3.

(5) White Men, buy oxford shirts that actually fit your frame. Stop it with the billowy, oversized button-downs. They look like parachutes on you.

(6) White Women, every once in a while just TRY to wear heels when you’re out. And actually own it for the entire night. It’s without a doubt, the most attractive item in your wardrobe you can ever wear.

(7) White Men, stop wearing dress shoes to work that have soles falling off and creases that look worse than your great grandmother’s wrinkles.

(8) White Men, try wearing something other than Gap, J Crew, and….actually I don’t know what else most White Men wear. I guess that’s my point.

(9) White Women, try to look less Basic every once in a blue moon. If you want to own that persona, that’s fine. Be who you are. But seriously, just see how you feel when you wear that outfit that a Euro-chic woman would wear.

(10) White Men, burn your cargo shorts.

(11) White People, burn those weird vests you wear to the bar. Are you going hunting? Are you going skiing? I don’t understand them.

(12) White Men, get your blazers and suits tailored. A $200 suit that’s tailored will always look better than a $1,000 suit that’s not. It’s not an expensive endeavor.

(13) White Men, even if you enjoy drinking those cheap, carb-induced brews…that doesn’t mean you have to look like you never left the fraternity. Grow up.

(14) White Women, stop hating on other women simply because they dress more provocatively (and more attractive) than you do.

(15) White People, just class it up in your overall physical appearance. We already earn more money on average, and most of us were blessed with privileges in life. The least you can do is get a new, $50 pair of Kohl’s dress shoes for work.


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